The Magician

Today was a half day for me - only at work until midday when the mailbags are tied up and I take 'em downstairs then bam I'm outta there. Did I subsequently take myself off to see a movie? You bet I did, and that movie was called The Magician.
I hadn't heard much at all about this one, only that it was Australian and it was about a hitman, and that it was supposed to be a good bad guy movie, not a lame one like so many of them are. Thank you Quentin Tarantino, you certainly have a lot to answer for, mister.
Filmed in Melbourne, the second best city in Australia, The Magician is about a hitman, Ray. The unique aspect here is that it's shot like a documentary. A guy called Max is making a documentary of Ray as he goes about his hitman life. Maybe Scott Ryan, the guy who wrote and directed this movie (and also plays Ray) was inspired by the Belgian movie Man Bites Dog, where two film students make a doco about a serial killer, following him around as he goes about his serial killer life.
OK, so here we have Ray, and he is a hitman. His job seems to be to kill people who for whatever reason refuse to pay other people the money they owe. He is a *toecutter*, like Chopper. And in the same way that Chopper only hurt or killed criminals, so does Ray, which makes us law-abiding citizens not feel so bad about liking them, and yes Ray is a very likeable character the same way that Chopper was, or is. What Ray (and Chopper) does is not very nice that's for sure, but those people are criminals, it seems as though they are destined for a violent end sooner or later anyway, so what does it matter who brings that about? And isn't it even better if that *punisher* is a likeable fellow, with a good sense of humour? You see, these toecutters are not like serial killers at all, who go after regular citizens. Although I have to admit the serial killer in Man Bites Dog was somewhat funny and likeable, so yes it does get tricky, not all cut and dried, so to speak. But is it really so hard to believe a monster could have some good points? We don't want to think it's possible, do we?
Anyway, in The Magician, as Max goes around with Ray and observes and comments on and asks questions about his hitman life, a sort of friendship develops between them. They have a lot of laughs amid the carnage, like when Max asks Ray if he has ever been to Mardi Gras. Ray says no he has never, what does Max think he is, a poof? So Max wants to know if Ray has anything against homosexuals. No, not really, he says, whatever blows your whistle. Then Max admits he wouldn't mind going to Mardi Gras and Ray says well maybe they can go together. A funny scene.
With the scenario of this Max guy making his doco about Ray, a hitman, it's natural to wonder throughout the movie what the hell is going to happen to Max. It seems like a dangerous thing to do. Then again Max is not a criminal and doesn't owe anybody any money so he might be safe. But is Ray really gonna let Max get away with this incriminating footage? Well, one of the coolest things about the movie is how this *doco* eventually made it out to an audience.
Even though it's school holidays here and the movie houses are packed, I was pretty sure that the theatre for this one would not be, and I was right. There were no more than a dozen of us in there, and the funny thing was there were even less people in the audience when the movie ended than there were when it began. You see, after about fifteen minutes, two women in front of me got up and walked out. No doubt it was a bit grim for them. However they should have stuck around because the humour in the movie is excellent, the performances were exceptional, and the relationship between Ray and Max is something else. Movie magic!
I'll advise you to see this one if (or when) you can, it was awesome.

Operation: Space Opera

Yesterday was a big day for me. Why was that? Well, I finally finished this humongous space opera, the Night's Dawn trilogy by Peter F Hamilton. Did I tell you that each one of these books is 1200+ pages? Yes I did. Why would somebody write a story with that many pages? Don't they know that there are many other books that we haven't read yet and want to read? Time is money and all that jazz. Are these people sadists?
Well, was it worth it? Was it worth spending six weeks reading this story? It was in one way because now I can say I've read a 3724-page story. Also, now I know what this "space opera" business is all about.
So what is it all about? The story is set in the year 2600 and something and the main focus is a starship pilot Joshua Calvert. This guy is a handsome devil indeed, and quite the ladies' man. Any pretty girl he meets, he has sex with. And in the future everybody is handsome or pretty because they have this thing called *geneering*, so when you have a baby you can program all the good stuff in and bad stuff out. Anyway, Calvert is not only good looking, he is also very smart, very confident and very lucky. Everything works out perfectly for him, everybody either admires him or wants to sleep with him, nothing goes wrong for him, although he will get into a tight jam here and there. After one of those tight jams, he got wounded on the arm, quite a bad injury, but he got back to his starship with everbody's eyes popping out with concern and he just shrugs it off, says no sweat dudes, I'm OK, only a flesh wound, then does a perfectly excecuted somersault into his captain's chair.
Another thing about this space opera biz, there are so many people to keep track of. There's Joshua Calvert and his starship crew; another starship crew led by a girl he had sex with; a big living (bitek) space city (or *habitat*) ruled by another girl he had sex with; a primitive *stage one* planet where people are going to get away from Earth which is totally messed up (weather so screwed you got big domes around cities while outside rage almost constant MEGAstorms); numerous asteroids and their mining colonies; other planets; other habitats; and other starships. And the action jumps around so fast between all these different places and scenarios and people, it really takes some memorypower to keep up with. So it is like a soap opera in that respect, only with amazing technology and living starships and people coming back from the dead and possessing people. You see, the big deal in the story is that the dead are coming back from *the beyond* and possessing people. This brings in a theological angle: in this story, everybody who dies goes to this *beyond* place which is horrible, a place of constant torment. Then this thing happens that gives dead people a way to come back and possess the living, but that person must be tortured by a possessed so they will admit the *beyond* soul into their body. Then that possessed constantly has the voices of other souls from the beyond screaming begging them to let them come back so they do it, they can't help it. But some don't like doing it, and refuse. There are some actual *good* possessed. But they are possessing somebody so how can they be good? Well, some are, like Fletcher Christian. He comes back and he's a good egg.
So the possessed are expanding and taking over planets all over the place, and the Confederation (the military) forces have to take action. But! The dilemma they face is that if they kill these possessed, they also kill the person who was possessed by that soul from the beyond. How can they get around it? Now you see how tricky this situation is!
Anyway, a big part of it all is the life after death angle, but as much as Mr Hamilton attempts to incorporate these theological matters, it gets pretty wacky, and is hard to take seriously, especially with the Dexter Quinn character, who is some kind of superior possessed *Satanist* and his monologues are ridiculous. He's supposed to be some major evil force but he sounds like a teenager with inverted cross earrings squawking obscenities at his parents for not letting him stay out too late.
This review could go on forever. There is a LOT going on here in this big fat space opera. Half of it was interesting, pretty amazing for sure, but the other half was really boring. I had to find out how it ended, but it was hard work getting there. I'm glad I read it, but also feel some kind of shameful wonder that I read it through to the end. In the end, there's no way I can recommend it, unless you are a big sci-fi fan, or want to know what this space opera biz is all about, and have LOTS of time to kill.

Lizards

Lizards communicate by doing push-ups.

Patton Oswalt

I have to post this very funny thing from a comic, one of those stand-up comic guys, his name is Patton Oswalt, and I'll admit that I ripped it from The Doog House whose link I found on Just Another Blowhard's blog. It was so funny, and I like to read funny things, maybe you do too, but don't read it if you can't handle fruity language, otherwise get ready, here it is:

"I'm flying back to LA tomorrow and I am going to the Buggy Whip restaurant, and getting a giant fucking steak!! You heard me!

I enjoy steak too much cause I hate hippies so much. You know what I mean. I enjoy steak more than I think I enjoy it. Everytime you eat a steak a hippy's hackey sack goes down the gutter. {doing hippy impression} 'Ohhhh man. Ohhhh dude, what the fuck man!' Everytime you eat a steak a hippy's hackey sack goes down a sewer. Always remember that.

And I like the high end steak houses like Lowry's and Ruth's Chris. But I'll also go to the shitball steakhouses like Outback and Black Angus. I'm there. It's steak. Not so much Black Angus though, 'cause remember how friendly the ads for Black Angus used to be? They were 'C'mon in have a steak! How about a baked potato?' You're like 'fucking how about yeah see you tomorrow night. Table for two 7:15'.

Now, the ads for Black Angus, you notice how it turns into this gauntlet of angry food. Its almost like they are challenging you. Like {goes into ad voice} 'At Black Angus, we'll start you off with our appetizer platter. Featuring five jumbo deep fried gulf shrimp, served on a disc of salted butter with fifteen of our potato bacon bombs, and a big bowl of pork cracklings with our cheese and butter dipping sauce.' You're like 'Ummmmm, we're all gonna split that..' {back to voice} 'Ohhhh you'll each get your own! Then we'll take you to our mile long soup and salad bar featuring bacon and cream soup and our fine berg of iceberg lettuce he-man salad served in a punch bowl, with 18 pounds of ranch dressing, pork stuffed deep fried croutons and what the hell, a couple of corn dogs' 'Uhhhh hey man, I tell ya what. I'll just get a mixed green salad.' 'Hey! You'll suck a cock on the Golden Gate Bridge before I'll bring ya a mixed green buddy!!

'Then we'll wheel out our bottomless trough of fried dough!' 'What? Wait a minute, am I gonna get a steak?' 'Ohhhh you'll get a fucking steak!!! Cause then we'll bring out our 55oz. Las Mesa He-Man steak slab, served with a deep fried pumpkin stuffed with buttered scallops and 53 of our potato bacon bombs.' 'Ohhh dude I don't think...' 'And then bend over Abigail Mae, cause here comes the gravy pipe!!' 'What?!' 'Black Angus, doors are locked from the outside, faggot!!! At Black Angus your name is Peaches.'"

Suicide Girls

Why did these girls do it that way? Why did they surprise their boyfriends like that? Why did they do it like that?

Howl's Moving Castle

Those sneaky movie house people are slowly bumping their budget Tuesday ticket prices up again, those sneaky devils. It got down to $5.00 a ticket about a month ago. They had to do something, after all. I was going along to see a movie and there would be half a dozen of us in there, in this gigantic theatre.
Anyway, last week it was $7.50 and today it was $8.00. See how sneaky they are? Pretty soon it will be me and five other people again in that big room.
The movie I saw today was called Howl's Moving Castle, an animated picture from Japanese wizard Hayao Miyazaki. His last movie Spirited Away was excellent so yes for sure I was really looking forward to this one you bet.
First of all, the theatre was packed, but at least I had an empty seat on either side and no Asian teenagers made a move to sit up close to me. You know I wouldn't mind this but they never put their cute girlfriends next to me. Maybe they are worried I will put my hand on their leg. I would not even do that. Is that why they are so protective? I don't know. But yes, that could be it all right. Maybe next time I will turn around and tell them straight up, 'It's OK you know, you can put your cute girlfriend next to me without any feelings of anxiety on your part whatsoever. I promise not to put my hand on her leg. In fact, let me reassure you I am quite the gentleman.'
Oh yeah, the movie. Sooner or later I will have to admit that this movie confused the hell out of me, so I'll admit it right up front. It was very good, a real spectacle, but confusing.
There is a girl (Sophie) and she works in a hat shop. Even though she is young, she dresses like an old woman. People make cruel jokes about her saying she is plain and unattractive so she ends up believing it. Then later when she closes up the shop an enormous woman comes in, she is no ordinary fat woman, she is the Witch of the Waste and she insults Sophie and casts a spell on her which turns her into an old woman.
The next morning she wakes up, or maybe she actually was awake all night, but she is still an old woman, so decides to leave town. Up the mountain she goes, making amusing comments, and her back keeps creaking. There are some great sounds in the movie; sounds are put together with obsessive care and the effect is rather wonderful.
Having a hard time getting up the mountain with her old creaking bones, she tries to pull a stick out of some bushes in order to use as a walking stick, but with a mighty yank it comes up and turns out to be a scarecrow. It's got a turnip for a head and Sophie tells it she has always hated turnips, the worst vegetable as far as she is concerned, and she calls it Turniphead. Turniphead doesn't speak, but starts pogoing along after her.
Then she spots a big castle moving along on mechanical legs, and steam shooting out in all directions. The castle slows down a bit and she manages to get on board with some difficulty, because it doesn't slow down quite enough. She says goodbye to Turniphead.
Inside the castle is a young boy (Markl) who has magic powers. People keep knocking on the door and Markl pulls up a disguise over himself transforming himself into a comical kiddie version of a grizzled old sea dog, or a lighthouse keeper. As he is about to answer the door he always says, 'Stand by.' Those parts were funny, indeed there are many genuinely funny moments throughout the movie.
Markl is assistant to Howl, who owns the moving castle. Those knocks on the door previously were messengers come to ask Howl to present himself at some other castle to offer his services in a war that is going on. Howl is a scaredy cat and doesn't want to go so he sends Sophie in his place, telling her to pretend that she is his mother, and tell them that her son Howl is useless and will be no help at all, so he can get out of the jam, out of his responsibilities.
Anyway, Sophie goes off on this adventure, but that Witch of the Waste is also heading for the same place and they meet up. Obviously Sophie is not too happy to see this witch that made her old, yet she gets some kind of satisfaction when they both have to walk up the hundreds of castle steps. Even though Sophie is in an old body now, she makes it OK, whereas the Witch is so obese she has a real hard time, and this is quite a grotesque scene as she sweats like mad struggling up the steps, becoming more hideous every second.
Well, after that everything became confusing. I'll have to watch it again, thinking about it has not made it any clearer. What makes up for any confusion or obscurity though is how amazing the movie looks. The animation is mostly done by hand and it's awesome, a real pleasure to watch even if you can't quite understand what is happening during the second half. Well, maybe you can understand it, it's quite possible that it is only me who had that problem. Oh well. A depressing thought! Ha ha. But if somebody were to tell me they wanted to watch one of these Miyazaki movies I would have to advise them to see Spirited Away first, which I thought was superior, at least as amazing visually but with a clearer story.
As for the audience in the theatre, there were many distractions. A man in front of me kept loudly rustling his chip packet like he was doing an old time radio show that demanded many and loud chip packet sound effects. There was also a man a few seats to my left who found it necessary to regularly consult the dazzlingly bright blue screen of his mobile phone. It was like the flash of a small star exploding every five minutes. Why do these robots do that? Robots should be forbidden access to movie houses, their retarded obsession with constant access to communications electronics is a distraction for the human beings in the movie house.

Squawking from the Sidelines

Here I am waiting patiently for an idea. An idea will come along any minute now, I'm sure of it. Just gotta wait, or meditate, or something, that's all. Maybe start typing random words, gibberish, or even some dialogue between a postal clerk and a Tourette's sufferer standing in line, screaming obscenities. How about writing something about the *War on Terror*? No, there are enough people writing about that. How about something insightful and penetrating on the Middle East conflict? No, there are enough people making comments on that too. How about our Prime Minister, John Howard? No, I guess I can't raise enough interest for that. It's boring, to be honest. Everybody has an opinion about it and it sounds like ducks quacking or chickens squawking. Writing about women reading on the bus seems so much more important and interesting. Even writing about what some character gets up to in a movie is more interesting.
You know, I'd rather read about somebody's hobby, or personal obsession, to whatever degree it goes, than read about what they think of some politician or President or Prime Minister. That kind of thing seems like a room full of people trying to shout louder than everybody else, everybody in the room believing with awesome conviction that they are right, that they have some magical insight into these matters. The ridiculous part is that everybody in that jammed sweaty loud room are equally Righteous. God forbid they might hesitate for a second, stop to wonder if they may not be right after all. But they can't ALL be right, can they?
Maybe it's some kind of God complex. People think they are pretty smart, it's all quite clear actually, they got it all figured out, and if only they had more of an influence they could fix those problems these idiots in charge keep making. Yes, they know what's best, all right. So why the hell aren't THEY in charge? Why the heck don't THEY have more say in things? It's just not fair.
It also reminds me of a sporting event. There's the people on the sidelines shouting at the players to do this and do that. You'd think the players would know what they are doing. But no. Those big stomachs on the sideline actually have the best advice, if only those stupid players would listen, they would put those superior tactics into effect and subsequently kick the other team's arse.
What the hell am I doing talking about sport now?! Must be going wacky. But hey, that reminds me of an excellent thing my friend The J Man said about sports fans. He said (to paraphrase): What the hell are those people doing spending their entire weekends following sport? Have they already committed the Bible to memory?