Conversation

It just ain't working. Nothing happening, not working. Why is it not working? I don't know but it is neither happening nor working for some reason. For some mysterious reason nothing is working and I do not know why. Scratching my head does no good so try something different, maybe that will work, but no that don't work either. Things are getting desperate! Shake and spin head, spin whole body around on chair and kick legs out. Try anything. Why not? Look at ceiling. Look at bookshelves. Piece of paper in pocket. Yet none of those seem to help either. Is there an answer? Of course there must be an answer somewhere, maybe I am looking in the wrong place. Let's look under the table. Nothing but layers of dust. Look in the kitchen drawer. Plastic bags and knives. They won't help. When did plastic bags and knives ever help anyway? What? Chair started squeaking but just as suddenly stopped. Was it the chair squeaking? I wasn't squeaking. Something was squeaking and it sounded like the chair. Man on radio talking but I don't hear what he says. What was that, radio man? Says you! ... I didn't hear what he said anyway. Now woman starts talking. They seem to be having a conversation. I sometimes have a conversation! It's all coming back. Sometimes I talk to some one and they say something back, and it goes along for a little while like that until one of us walks away. Then the other walks away, goes about his or her business. That's the way of a conversation - the mechanics of it, or the nuts and bolts of it, to put it another way. Well how about a conversation? OK let's try that, why not:

Me: Where is Boss? Did she go out?
Colleague: Yes, I think she went out, but I don't know where.
Me: Did she say anything?
Colleague: No, she didn't say anything just went out.
Me: So she just went out without saying anything?
Colleague: Yes, just like that.
Me: Well. How about that.
Colleague: Yes.
Me: I guess she is the Boss after all and doesn't have to tell us where she is going whenever she leaves the room.
Colleague: No, but we have to.
Me: Well I don't. Not always.
Colleague: You are a rebel.
Me: Yep. Sometimes I'll just walk out without even saying anything.
Colleague: Then Boss's head spins around wondering who walked in or out.
Me: Yeah and she sees nobody there but then notices that I am not there anymore, and thinks goddam it he just walked out without saying anything!
Colleague: You think you're pretty tough doing that do you?
Me: Yep. I'm a tough customer. I'll just walk out and not even say anything. I don't care.
Colleague: Oh you're a real tough customer.
Me: You better believe it.

Night Watch

I was very glad I had a half day today. It was a big relief to get the heck out of that damn office at midday today, I tell you. Why was that? Well, what else could it be but something to do with my insane Boss? Nothing else. Yes, it was something to do with my insane Boss. This is a new stunt she pulled today, never pulled that one before. She is full of horrible surprises. What happened was, when she got in she was coughing and spluttering. Me and Colleague both expressed genuine concern yet she snapped at us, informing us that it was nothing but a cold. It was only a cold, nothing more, she barked. Well! Colleague and I looked at each other, rolling our eyeballs dramatically, around and around. But all morning Boss was coughing and hacking away. What a racket she was making! Yes, it could even have shaken our concentration on the task at hand, which was opening letters and stamping them, but we are professionals and our concentration is unshakeable. Still, we could hear Boss coughing away all morning all the while screaming that it was nothing more than a goddam cold.
Midday approached at long last, and I said to myself, Boss can go to hell! I will go to the movie house! So off I went. Free of coughing madwoman! Free at last!
The movie I chose to see was called Nightwatch, a movie I was really looking forward to. I may have revved myself up too much because I'll be damned if it wasn't a big disappointment.
This was a Russian movie based on a series of books, a trilogy I think, and this is the first movie of that trilogy.
The story is that a thousand years ago there was a big battle between two groups of superhuman type characters called Others. One side was the Dark side, the other the Light. The battle was so savage that everybody was sure to be killed so one of the generals quickly called a halt to the battle and he made a truce with the other general.
Now in present day, there are still Others around but they keep a low profile. Both sides are vampires so they need blood to survive, but the Dark Others kill people for it while the Light Others get it from a butcher shop or blood bank or something. It was pretty confusing. I may have this upside down.
There is also a legend that a child will be born, one of these Others, and when it grows up a bit it will have to choose between Dark and Light, then there will be a big final battle between the Dark and the Light Others.
I don't know if there is any point going on with this review, I really think I missed something. It was very confusing. Since it is based on a trilogy of books, it may be a case of having to read the books before you watch the movie(s). Nevertheless, halfway through the movie I regretted not being in one of the other theatres seeing The Devil's Rejects or The 40 Year Old Virgin - two other movies I want to see. But really what I am looking forward to seeing is The Exorcism of Emily Rose. God Almighty I am almost exploding with mad anticipation for that one!
The most interesting part of the experience was before the movie began. The lights were still on, the previews had not started, but there were two young Ninjas up at the back with a PSP, or some kind of electronic device anyway, playing something, it sounded like a movie or something, but the sound was loud and tinny, like from a tiny tinny transistor radio. Everybody was annoyed and angry about it, but nobody said or did anything. There was a big Russian-looking dude in front of me and he looked around a couple of times, with a real mean killer look, but even he neither said nor did anything. How depressing. Even the big killer-looking dudes don't have anything for these horrible young gadget robots in this modern world. It is terribly depressing.
But one cool thing was that about half the audience were reading books. I was reading my Turgenev book ['Spring Torrents'] and I imagined that those other people were all reading Russian novels too. It made me happy to think that could be the case, and gave me a good feeling about the anticipated Russian movie. Yet, it was a disappointment! Yet could it be that it went over my head? A depressing thought!
Oh life!
[Thanks to Kapreles for the Nightwatch image - they are hard to find!]

Clarence

Today I had to spend two hours on the information desk. Everybody has to do it. There is a roster, and today it was my turn again.
I had only been sitting there for ten minutes and nobody had come up to ask me a question, like where were the toilets. But then Clarence came up to say hello. He is a Gallery Officer and his job is to walk around the museum making sure kids don't touch or climb on the objects, make sure people don't try to steal objects, or hit them with sledgehammers. Visitors also ask him questions and he is very good at answering them. Clarence always gets glowing reviews from visitors. I know about that because I process the visitor comments. Clarence likes to talk to people and he is very good at it. He is very friendly and because he enjoys talking to the visitors and helping them, they write nice things about him on the visitor comments forms. Clarence is a large man and carries himself with an air of magnanimity. If it weren't for his uniform, he could be mistaken for a visiting dignitary, or some great benefactor.
Anyway, he came up to say hello as I sat at the information desk.
I mentioned to him that he was very popular with the visitors. I processed the visitor comments and I saw them all. He sure was popular. The visitors thought he was a good egg.
It wasn't the first time I told Clarence about his fans, and he reacted in his usual way. He took it very well, in a relaxed manner, as though it were no big deal. But it was obvious he enjoyed the subject and was flattered. He was pleased in his subtle way. He was magnanimous; one of those likeable, magnanimous fellows.
A woman visitor came up and asked where something was. I said I didn't know. As soon as I said it I knew it was not a very good answer. Luckily Clarence was there.
'Politicians know that there are three things you never say: No, Yes, or I don't know. What you do is just talk, about anything, and feel free to even change the subject,' Clarence said.
The woman liked that answer, and she seemed instantly charmed. She made some comments on the evasiveness of politicians, then walked away smiling.
'Another thing with you, Clarence,' I said, 'is that you are on one side of the coin, while a couple of your colleagues are on the other side of the coin. You are a good egg; these others are bad eggs. They always get negative comments.'
'Don't tell me ... Holland and Fernandez.'
'Yep. What is it with them?'
Clarence rolled his eyes up and gave a tremendous sigh.
'I'll tell you what. When they come anywhere near me, I am off. I get to the other side of the museum. You know the poles? Like a magnet? Opposite sides. They can't be together, they have to be on opposite sides. That's me and them.'
'You know, one of the complaints, a girl went up to Fernandez and asked him if she could go outside and have a cigarette then come back in. Guess what he said to her?'
Clarence closed his eyes.
'He laughed and said, 'Sure. Go out and get cancer, you little bitch. I don't care.' That's pretty cold, isn't it?'
Clarence got a big painful grimace that spread out over his face. These were HIS people, these visitors. He really liked them all, and it was too much, this, the thought that some of his colleagues were treating them bad.
'You know, if I had any say in the matter, I wouldn't keep these people on the floor. Why do the managers keep these people on the floor, dealing with the public? It's quite beyond me, it really is.'
'You are a good egg, Clarence,' I said.

Boss Throws Another Fit

Boss went berserk again this morning. She had been awfully decent for so long I guess it was about time.
What happened was, Colleague rang up and said her kid was sick, and that not only would she not be in today but she would not be in tomorrow either. That was enough. That really did it all right. The funny part was I heard Boss on the phone and she was nice to Colleague.
'Yes yes, that's OK. Oh well. Never mind. It's OK. Them's the breaks and all that jazz. See you next week then.'
But she slammed the phone down like she does. POW! Really hard. She really SLAMS that phone down. She's like a baseball pitcher. She winds up, then SLAM!
I was sitting there in front of the pigeonholes, already sorted the mail to open, waiting for Boss to come around from her cubicle. Around she came at high speed, vibrating with awesome rage, at a very high pitch of furious anger. She plonked herself down next to me picked up the date stamp opened a letter and brought the stamp down. POW! I jumped. The table shook. A miracle the thing didn't explode in a shower of tiny splinters.
Then she got down to it. Of course her plans would all go to hell. Why was everything she tried to do sabotaged? It wasn't fair. Also, employees didn't have to obey orders anymore. Back in her day you did what the boss said. Not today. Oh no. In fact, everybody is against managers.
'Everybody? Who is?' I said.
'Oh, just everybody!'
Then she got to this mail business.
'What other organisation has somebody like ME opening the mail? A MANAGER! With a DEGREE!' she shouted. 'It is so DEMEANING!'
Is it really so demeaning? I don't mind doing the mail at all. In fact I like doing the mail. But I dare not tell Boss that, especially at a time like this, when she is in berserk mode. I might get a letter opener in the neck.
But I'm not a manager, so maybe it is natural that it is not demeaning to me. I'm really a junior burger in the great organisational scheme of things, after all. Of course it doesn't matter if somebody comes in and sees me doing the mail. But for her, for Boss, who is a manager, maybe it really is demeaning! What do those people think if they come in and see her doing the mail? Sitting there with me (the *Mail Boy*), both of us holding a date stamp and a letter opener in front of all those stupid pigeonholes? And her the Manager! Oh the humiliation!
On and on she rages, slamming the date stamp down and flinging letters in my direction, letters for the pigeonholes on my side, actually throwing them. It seems insane. But what do I know? Maybe she has a point after all. Maybe I, the true and unashamed mail spazz, am simply too dull-witted to grasp it.

Wack

There was a funny thing in the paper today about Marcia Hines. She is a black singer (African/American black not Aussie black) and these days she is also a judge on Australian Idol. She does all those stupid you go girl moves, the side-to-side head movements, and putting one hand up palm outwards, like yo, testify. Ugh. You know how ridiculous all that looks. But the thing is, she thinks she is a real soul sister, really hip to all that black jazz. So it was very amusing to learn that on a recent show she complimented one singer's performance by calling it "wack".
Ha ha. Even I know that "wack" means "lame". Haw!

Wolf Creek

I left work at 3:30 today so I could catch the 4:00pm session of Wolf Creek. The line was very short and I got my ticket and headed in. I gave my ticket to the guy so he could rip the end off. It's the same guy who is always there ripping tickets and I've often wondered about him because he is an older fellow, unlike most who work at these big cinemas, who are teenagers. I've wondered about him but I've never spoken to him and he has never spoken to me, except for the usual automatic exchange which goes like this:

Ticket ripper: Cinema 17 upstairs to your right here's your ticket don't lose it.
Me: Thanks. I won't.

Anyway, there he was today as usual and I gave him my ticket to rip. He looked at it and said Ah! Wolf Creek, that's Cinema 3 around to your left, that is if you can handle it. Pretty tough stuff, is it? I said. He said that lots of people have been walking out on it. Then he mentioned some actor friends of his who watched it and they even found it hard going. Actor friends? He admitted that he used to be an actor. He also told me about one of the projectionists, a girl, who looked through the peephole (or something) at the movie and it repulsed her so much she did not look again. I told him I thought I could handle it. Yes, he said, you look like you have broad shoulders. You should be all right. I thanked him and went in and bought a vanilla choc-top (last week when I bought a coffee one the cone was all soggy and almost collapsed).
When I got around and through to Cinema 3, the door was closed. That was unusual. The door is never closed like that. I was about to push the door open but looked down at my ticket stub instead. It said Wolf Creek Cinema 3 4:45-6:44pm. 4:45? What the hell? I went back to the guy and asked him if it was right, that the newspaper said 4:00. He said yep, it's right. 4:45.
Oh well. How about that? That never happened before. Oh well. I didn't throw a fit. I felt pretty calm about the whole thing, actually. Cool as a cucumber I went over to a table sat down ate the choc-top and read my book.
Forty-five minutes later I got up and went back to Cinema 3.

At last, the movie review! Here it is, after all!:
Yes the movie was called Wolf Creek and it was an Australian movie. I had heard nothing about this one, only that it was a horror movie, some kind of slasher movie, based on actual events.
There's a guy (Ben) and two girls (Liz and Kristy) travelling around Australia by car. The guy is Aussie, the two girls are English. When the movie begins they are at Broome in Western Australia, having fun at the beach. They go to a pub that night and have a wild time out in the beer garden, getting drunk and doing bombs into the pool. The next day they set off inland. On the way they tell jokes and sing songs on Ben's acoustic guitar, quite silly retarded songs. They are having a very fun time. Then they get to some tiny town called Emu Creek. Liz (or Kristy) walks into the pub where a group of filthy-looking men start cracking lewd jokes about her to each other. Then Kristy (or Liz) walks in and they make some unchivalrous remarks about her. Then Ben comes in and they take a crack at him too. One of these witty chaps gets up calls Ben over and says hey me and the fellas were thinking about having a gang bang, but we thought we had better get your permission. Big laughs around the table. Ben looks scared and uncomfortable but angry too and can you blame him? He is a young fellow, quite happy-go-lucky so it seems. But he turns back to the bar muttering go to hell you fuckhead. This makes the standing guy angry and he says what the hell did you say? Ben backs down and says oh I only said you have a nice smile. Pretty funny because the guy has a big hole where a couple of front teeth oughtta be.
Ben and Liz and Kristy get back out to the car safely but shaken, drive off then soon appear to forget about that unpleasantness. But we don't, do we? We know it's a bad sign and for sure worse things are in store for our young adventurers.
They get to an enormous crater (actually the Wolfe Creek Crater) that was made by a meteor. This was something on their list of things to see obviously, and they are pretty excited to be there. They jump out of the car and run up to the rim to check it out. It really is spectacular. When they come back to the car, they find that their watches have stopped, all at the same time. Pretty spooky. Then the damn car won't start, which is a drag, but they resign themselves to having to stay the night, in the car. But in the middle of the night they see some lights. After speculating that it may be a UFO (Ben had earlier told the girls about a UFO visit in the area) it turns out to be an old guy who offers to help. He's not so old actually, maybe in his late 50s, and he's kind of a big loud joking guy, a real Aussie outback character. Sure, he's all right. He's gonna help them out. He asks them where they are from, the girls say England, Ben says Sydney. Mick, the *rescuer* says Ha! Sydney! The poofter capital of Australia!
Anyway, Mick tows them back to his place so he can fix their car. They are driving for hours it seems and they get worried, but decide it will be OK, sure. She'll be right, mate. That's the Aussie way. They get to Mick's place, an old abandoned mining camp, and sit around a fire while Mick regales them all about his former career as a shooter. His job was to shoot kangaroos and wild boar. He goes into detail like how the pigs are trickier because you have to get in close for the kill, and have to watch out for the tusks. He describes how one of his dogs was decapitated by one of these wild boars. Liz and Kristy look like they are gonna throw up. To lighten things up a little, Ben says to Mick that it must be great to live and work out here in the outback, with the FREEDOM and all that jazz. Mick looks at him like he's insane (or a poofter). He gives him a long, very unsettling look. Woah. It's here that we realise that Mick is probably not a nice Crocodile Dundee type character. In fact he looks like he could be a MANIAC.
Well, then the three adventurers go to sleep. A bad idea. Liz (or Kristy, I can't remember which was which but it doesn't matter) wakes up in a shed, bound and gagged. She is terrified, naturally, but that's nothing yet. She finds a piece of glass and manages to free herself and jumps out the window. That's when she hears the screaming. She goes up to a window and looks in to see Kristy tied to a pole, bloody, screaming, with Mick pointing a rifle at her, taunting her and cracking jokes.
This is where it gets REALLY nasty. The rest of the movie is almost constant screaming and sadistic brutality. It's really quite nasty and sustained. Here we have an Australian version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And don't forgot it's based on actual events (the Peter Falconio case and the Ivan Milat backpacker murders). I can only think of a handful of movies that have achieved this level of pure nastiness: Tobe Hooper's aforementioned chainsaw extravaganza; the Austrian movie Funny Games; Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses. Oh yeah, and Gaspar Noe's Irreversible.
This one really got to the audience, I could tell. There were not even any nervous giggles. I don't know if anybody walked out because I was close to the front with only two people in front of me. One of them was a man who got up twice and went out and came back again for some reason. The other was a woman who kept going tsk tsk tsk tsk. It really got to her, you could tell. It was not a nice movie.

World of Fantasy

I don't know what to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing. I don't feel so good either. You know how Freddie Mercury said it's a kind of magic? Well, this is a kind of sickness.
Maybe I'll come up with something. It seems unlikely. The radio is on and a man is talking. I have a cigarette and a beer. I'm swivelling in my chair, bumping my toes. I can't see any insects in the room. There are no moths. There were moths everywhere yesterday. Where have they gone? Where have all the insects gone?
I can't hear anything. Why is it so quiet outside? What are the other people doing? I can't hear them. Only the computer is buzzing, the man on the radio talking. The people are locked in their rooms making no sound.
Pictures on the TV make me feel sick. The people. They are all smiling. What have they to smile about? What am I missing out on? Where has my smile gone? Maybe I will come up with something, then I will smile. Yet it seems unlikely.
Well, I guess I'll keep going. What else is there? Nothing. I can't read my book, have to write, even about nothing. Always a remote chance of coming up with something. Maybe it is on the horizon! I look up but the horizon is as flat as before.
Pretty funny to entertain thoughts that I can write, after all. Really got myself fooled, that's for sure. What a world of fantasy I have created for myself!