Tuesday, July 30, 2002 11:16pm -- First thing this morning I managed a shit - no battle this time but still it was painful.
My dear, great brother "loaned" me $50 today because of my tenuous financial position. He even dropped it off at my work. I don't deserve such a brother.
Of course, I fucked up my plan: I had the 8ml tonight when I got home (after quite a sick day at work) but that did so little I thought What's the damn point of these tiny, teasing amounts when there's still more? If you can't at least lose the sickness what's the point? Either you do it properly or not at all. Do enough to get you high and when it's gone, it's gone. Deal with it.
I'm scared.
Wednesday, July 31, 2002 midnight -- Mikel just left, we finished watching American History X.
Finished the morphine tonight. It gets ugly after this, I'm really not looking forward to it, that's for damn sure. It's gonna be HELL.
I'll make sure to savour falling asleep now, feeling good for the last time in days.
