Ronald

Today while I was delivering the mail on Level Four I bumped into Ronald. He blocked my way and before I could protest he said, "My ultimate weapon is the China cannon attached to my groin."

He always says things like that, trying to impress everybody. But it rarely works. When I didn't look amazed and impressed at his ridiculous declaration, he walked away kicking the carpet.

My job is a low-pressure job mostly, which is great because it allows plenty of time for idle thought. As I was about to head down the ramp to Level Three it occurred to me that if this place was an anime, then ideally the characters would be composed of girls reading books, girls with glasses, robotic maids, and sisters. Mostly it would be great fun and stimulating on many levels, but then something bad would happen, like one of the robotic maids would corner me and say, "You executed the mission. Then all I have to do is execute you." Then I would have to run fast, and try hard not to trip over.

It wouldn't all be bad, like I said. Mostly it would be wonderful and fascinating. I would pass by the doorman on the way out, and he would talk about his friend Oscar.

"He had no income, so he stopped his hunger by eating mushrooms which were growing on his underpants in the closet."

I tell him that this is a perfect example of the ingenuity of man, and that it sounds like something from a magical bedtime story.

The doorman gets a sad look, he looks at his shiny black shoes, and says that it wasn't really so perfect or wonderful after all, because the angel who lived on his house scared him because she beat him to death without notice.

"That's typical," I say. "Plus, every time the hero wins, the trio is punished by the pig-like creature."

That was life, I guess. You had to take the rough with the smooth.

Uh oh. Ronald was up ahead again. The ramp was narrow and I halfway down it, so no way of avoiding him. Oh well. When I got near him he put a foot on the small wheels at the front of the mail trolley and looked at me with intensity. Here we go again.

"When I fell down the stairs with my classmate, my body was replaced with her."

"What does that mean?" I said.

Ronald brushed something invisible off his shoulder and twitched.

"Let's decide the supremacy over the earth by the blows of robots."

"OK. That sounds like a good idea," I said.

He wasn't such a bad guy, Ronald. At least he didn't come out with the kind of idiotic, broken record type stuff a lot of other people around here come up with.

His foot was still on the tiny wheels, now moving back and forth a fraction each time. I put the lock on to stop it. Just for fun.

"The wrong use of the magic equipment often embarrasses the girl in the bathroom when she is taking a bath."

Ronald was beginning to make sense.

I nodded, then Ronald nodded.

"When I fell in love with her, I thought that the girl was my stepsister. I bet if I had known she was my real sister, I would not have fallen in love with her."

That made sense, too. I started smiling.

Ronald kept nodding, and started smiling too.

Aimless Ceiling Journey

When I got home from work yesterday I had something to eat then went to lie on the bed to smoke a cigarette and read my book. Lying down on my back holding the book above my head, I detected a movement. There was something moving on the ceiling. I jumped up to make an inspection of the phenomena. Goddam it, it looked like a cockroach. Jumping up on my bed putting my head up close I got a look at it and for sure it was a cockroach, but as I was formulating some kind of eradication strategy I realised it was one of those bathroom cockroaches. These usually start off real small and I see them hanging around in my bathroom sink in the summer. They are real slow, real stupid. I play hide and seek with them. When they somehow detect my presence they look left and right, then left, then right, back and forth, figuring out their next move. It takes a long time, but then it will run under the toothbrush. I'll pick up the toothbrush and it's like the little dude still thinks the toothbrush is there, but then I send a breath of air in his direction and he realises that he's in the open again, in some kind of danger, possibly. He goes through his frantic looking-around routine again, then makes for the rubber sink plug. It's quite touching really. When I first noticed this idiot behaviour it was obvious to me these were a different species to those superfast intelligent kitchen cockroaches which you will see for a split second before they disappear in a flash. Those cockroaches are like the Green Berets of the cockroach society, while these bathroom cockroaches are the Beavis and Buttheads of it. That was why I let them be when I first discovered them. They became, late at night in my merry beer-fueled state, sort of like little pets. How could I kill these poor little idiots? They were small comical creatures only going about their mysterious life in my bathroom.
Anyway, back to last night and there was one of them on my ceiling. This one was a pretty big one, grown up to almost an inch. There was no way I was gonna kill it, so I lay back down with my book. But I kept looking up at this creature as he journeyed across my ceiling. But what an aimless journey! He walked over to one side, then another side, then down one end, then the other end, then backtracked here, to there, back to here, to there yet again, over and over, as though he had a short term memory span of thirty seconds. New territory! I'll investigate!
Funny that even though this creature was quite harmless, every time it got directly above me I would go on guard ready just in case it fell on me. I was ready to move fast away from this poor dumb tiny harmless creature. And me, a big tough human!
And how the hell did it walk upside down on the ceiling like that? Yes, I know spiders and all kinds of insects can do it, but do they know they are upside down? Does the world appear upside down to them? Do they feel superior looking down at us stuck on the floor looking up marvelling at this amazing feat?
Anyway, that bathroom cockroach walked back and forth around my ceiling all night. Was he trying to find his way back to the bathroom? What the hell was he doing up there? He sure as hell appeared to be completely lost, or not be able to find his way to where he wanted to go, or belonged, which was the bathroom. I wished I could read his mind, then I could help him.
When I came home from work today he was gone from the ceiling. Where is he now? That lost bathroom cockroach. Does he wonder about me? Was he mad that I didn't help him find his way back to the bathroom?
Mysteries...

Lunchtime Incident

I went out for lunch today. It had been raining so I had my umbrella.
At the lights the red man turned green and I started walking across the road. Halfway across, a big white car was turning and coming at me. It didn't stop but kept coming. What the fuck? What was this idiot's problem? Trying to run me down goddam it. I jumped out of the way, then I saw the people inside. Two people in the front. A guy driving and a girl in the passenger seat. They were laughing. Really laughing it up. They found it pretty amusing by the looks of it. A great wave of rage swept over me. The sky seemed to flash red. Through a shimmering red fog I watched the car move off down the street but soon it had to stop again at another set of lights.
The rage suddenly vanished along with the red fog. In an instant I felt calm and in control, and started walking towards the car. I saw the heads still laughing. They really had played an amusing joke. I started smiling too.
Cars honked at me as I walked in the middle of the street. I didn't care, kept walking. Got up to the white car and the driver's window was open. He turned around to see who was at his window, still laughing. I'll show him something funny. I swung the umbrella up and rammed it through the window point first into his happy laughing mouth. The metal point came out the other side of his head with a splash of blood that hit the windshield and sprayed over his girlfriend, or wife, or whatever the fuck she was. She started screaming. I pulled my umbrella out and the guy's body fell sideways against the girl. Blood was jetting out all over the place. What a mess. And what a noise. Well, at least they weren't laughing any more. But now I was.
I laughed and laughed as I walked across the street into Market City to get my lunch.