Thursday, September 29, 2005

Patton Oswalt

I have to post this very funny thing from a comic, one of those stand-up comic guys, his name is Patton Oswalt, and I'll admit that I ripped it from The Doog House whose link I found on Just Another Blowhard's blog. It was so funny, and I like to read funny things, maybe you do too, but don't read it if you can't handle fruity language, otherwise get ready, here it is:

"I'm flying back to LA tomorrow and I am going to the Buggy Whip restaurant, and getting a giant fucking steak!! You heard me!

I enjoy steak too much cause I hate hippies so much. You know what I mean. I enjoy steak more than I think I enjoy it. Everytime you eat a steak a hippy's hackey sack goes down the gutter. {doing hippy impression} 'Ohhhh man. Ohhhh dude, what the fuck man!' Everytime you eat a steak a hippy's hackey sack goes down a sewer. Always remember that.

And I like the high end steak houses like Lowry's and Ruth's Chris. But I'll also go to the shitball steakhouses like Outback and Black Angus. I'm there. It's steak. Not so much Black Angus though, 'cause remember how friendly the ads for Black Angus used to be? They were 'C'mon in have a steak! How about a baked potato?' You're like 'fucking how about yeah see you tomorrow night. Table for two 7:15'.

Now, the ads for Black Angus, you notice how it turns into this gauntlet of angry food. Its almost like they are challenging you. Like {goes into ad voice} 'At Black Angus, we'll start you off with our appetizer platter. Featuring five jumbo deep fried gulf shrimp, served on a disc of salted butter with fifteen of our potato bacon bombs, and a big bowl of pork cracklings with our cheese and butter dipping sauce.' You're like 'Ummmmm, we're all gonna split that..' {back to voice} 'Ohhhh you'll each get your own! Then we'll take you to our mile long soup and salad bar featuring bacon and cream soup and our fine berg of iceberg lettuce he-man salad served in a punch bowl, with 18 pounds of ranch dressing, pork stuffed deep fried croutons and what the hell, a couple of corn dogs' 'Uhhhh hey man, I tell ya what. I'll just get a mixed green salad.' 'Hey! You'll suck a cock on the Golden Gate Bridge before I'll bring ya a mixed green buddy!!

'Then we'll wheel out our bottomless trough of fried dough!' 'What? Wait a minute, am I gonna get a steak?' 'Ohhhh you'll get a fucking steak!!! Cause then we'll bring out our 55oz. Las Mesa He-Man steak slab, served with a deep fried pumpkin stuffed with buttered scallops and 53 of our potato bacon bombs.' 'Ohhh dude I don't think...' 'And then bend over Abigail Mae, cause here comes the gravy pipe!!' 'What?!' 'Black Angus, doors are locked from the outside, faggot!!! At Black Angus your name is Peaches.'"

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