Thursday, April 14, 2005


Tonight the phone rang. I thought it would be somebody I knew. It wasn't somebody I knew. It was a telemarketer. He said, 'Hello my name is Richard Rash and I am calling to ask you about how you what you think about services products what you how you where you product services where and how you and why product services...' It sounds funny, but that is what I heard.
I only ever think of clever and very smart funny things to say after I have hung up from these people, but by the time the next one calls I freeze and can't think of anything. This time I said something dumb like, 'Ugh. I do not want to talk to you. Sorry about that.' It's true I don't want to talk to these people, but I am never sorry about it. Why did I apologise? God, how lame I am. Unbelieveable as it sounds, I can really be quite lame at times. Hard to believe, isn't it?
These telemarketers, I know they are people just doing a job like anybody else. They have bills to pay like everybody else, have to buy beer and order that Gore Gore Girls DVD, I know it, and I should be polite and say, 'Well gee, I'd really love to help you, and it's nothing personal, you're only doing your stupid job and all, but answering your dumb questions is something I am not prepared to do, now or ever. I have more important things to do. Like dusting. Thanks for calling and I'm sorry I can't help your ass, but that's the way it is. Goodbye.'
You see! That wasn't even polite. I started off with the intention to write something polite, but it is not possible when you are dealing with these robots. I don't care if they are only doing their goddam job.
Anyway, after I came up with my lame reply to this telemarketing robot and got off the phone, I tried to think of something. What could I say next time? I had to come up with something. Then it came to me. I got an idea. They want to ask ME questions, what if I ask THEM questions? I will ask THEM questions: How many people have you called tonight? What percentage hung up on you? Did they abuse you first? What did they say? Do you fantasise about killing your boss? Are you allowed to go to the toilet? Is there something else you would rather be doing right now? What is it? Will you quit this stupid job tonight? Is there not another job you can do that does not involve annoying people? Have you ever been to Iceland? Have you ever been snookered on the red and potted the brown? Necrophilia: an abomination or a perfectly valid yet misunderstood form of sexual expression? etc..
The ultimate goal, of course, to get THEM to hang up on ME. Would it work? I must try. I must find a way.

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