Filipino Subtitle Retards

I just finished watching the DVD of the movie Spanglish, starring Adam Sandler. But this was not a regular DVD, it was one of those two dollar Filipino jobs. One way to tell is the box covers look like shit, a really crappy lame colour xerox job. Another way to tell is that the movie is still in the goddam cinemas here. But the subtitle job on this movie was something else. It was terrible! It was wonderful! And hilarious! I only pity the poor deaf folk who watch it, but then again, these DVDs are illegal, aren't they? People shouldn't fuck around with this dirt cheap, illegal shit, right? Anyway, I am going to share these retarded and very funny subtitles with you. The highlights, anyway.

First, some notes. These Filipino subtitle retards did not bother to attempt to subtitle ALL the dialogue, sometimes it was every fourth line, sometimes every second, sometimes every seventh, and they gave up completely for the final 30 minutes of the movie. The subtitles simply vanished. The Filipino subtitle retards said fuck it, too tricky dicky, and went out for chicken's feet.

In the movie, Adam Sandlers' daughter is called Bernice, the Filipino subtitle retards called her Britney. The Mexican woman was called Flor, the Filipino subtitle retards called her Flod (and later, Clore.) The dog was called Chum, the Filipino subtitle retards called the dog Junk.

Right, now we can get down to business. The first part will be the subtitle as it appeared on screen, the second part (in brackets) will be the actual, spoken dialogue:

I'm just trying blank. (I'm just drawing blanks.)
Embarassed felt fault. (I'm embarassed, it's my own fault!)
Spending my time on mad. (I spent all my time on math.)
I'm glad to hear it because... (I'm glad you didn't get here earlier because...)
It's the same piece. (This is the same page.)
My mother did not understand her mailbox. (My mother did not understand her male boss.)
He's acting perfect small passion of restaurants. (Eating at this perfect, smaller, passionate restaurant...)
Actually do. (Ah, sure you do.)
Go get yourself on. (Yes, go get settled.)
I was thinking...I don't know what to say. (The flea market was...I don't know what to say.)
I not hit the critical. (What about hypocritical?)
days here. (I am dazed here.)
OK, that doesn't happy very well. (OK, that doesn't happen very often.)
I really enjoy the stars is starsky. (I really enjoy the Star Wars trilogy.)
She is not as best type as your wife. (This is the best time of your life.)
Do it for me, I will start punching myself with eggs. (Do this for me or I will set my hair on fire and start punching myself in the face!)
hey, body. (hey, pal.)
I can't pulling my keys. (I just can't find my keys.)
Want some pot? (Want some port?) [port wine, that is.]
but duties call and I am silver (but duty called, and I am sober.)
are you really that hard to me (Are you really that much nicer than me?)
that first step to hell (that first step out of hell.)