Tuesday, August 02, 2005

House of Wax

Tuesday it is, and you know what that means. Yes, movie time.
This afternoon I left work early so I could see the 4:00pm session of House of Wax. Why did I choose to see that movie? Well, Land of the Dead was not showing even though I saw a preview of it on At the Movies last week or the week before, so I couldn't see that movie, the movie I am most looking forward to, and since House of Wax is a HORROR MOVIE, that is what I chose to see. I mean, I am hardly going to go and see Monster In Law, am I? Ha ha. What a CRAZY idea. CRAZY!
There was hardly anybody in the theatre. No wait, there were but they were all behind me. Most people don't seem to mind sitting a mile away from the screen. I do.
Some of the audience were worth commenting on, like the two teenage girls who came in and I heard one say to the other, "Is this a horror movie?' What kind of a question is that? What kind of a person walks in to a movie and asks a question like that? You tell me. It is beyond my comprehension.
Anyway, after the previews of stupid upcoming movies like Dukes of Hazard and The Wedding Crashers, the FEATURE PRESENTATION got underway.
In the movie, a group of *twentysomethings* are on their way to see a big football game. Huh. Already we don't care if they all get slashed to pieces in a very spectacular and gory fashion. One guy and his girlfriend seem to be the *nice* ones of the group. That girl's brother is along for the ride but he is a mean guy, or some kind of brooding rebel type, a bad boy, and he doesn't like his sister's boyfriend. Another of the guys is a kind of *doofus* or something, with big fuzzy hair, and the nice girl feels sorry for him and dresses him to look like "Elton John, only more gay", well, that's what one of the guys says. Last of all is another couple, a girl played by Paris Hilton and her black boyfriend. Yes, black. Ooh! Race-mixing! Miscegenation! White chicks on black dicks! Hey, really I have nothing against ebony and ivory coming together and living in perfect harmony, but the way it's done in this movie is not like that. Really, it IS done in a White Chicks on Black Dicks kind of way.
Anyway, one of their cars breaks down when the fanbelt snaps, or more likely is sabotaged, and they get stuck out in the middle of nowhere. A deranged-looking guy comes and offers assistance, but he is so scary, and his job is to pick up smelly roadkill and dump it in a ditch, so both he and his truck stink so much, and he's got a big scary-looking knife, that the kids say thanks but this is far enough we will walk the rest of the way. Poor guy. He was only trying to help.
They make it to a town where they find a House of Wax. Gee, the whole place is made of wax. Everything. Pretty cool.
Have you seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Well this movie is a similar theme, where a group of fresh-faced but stupid and idiotic kids are tormented by a family of deranged middle-of-nowhere psychopaths. This movie is nowhere near as terrifying as that one was, but they still manage some quite nasty scenes, and if you are one of the hundred bazillion I've heard about looking forward to seeing the movie just so they can watch Paris Hilton get violently killed, then you will for sure get some cheap thrills.
The music in the movie was used in a stupid way. I recognised songs by Deftones and Interpol, but they were thrown in and quickly ripped back out again, meaninglessly. Oh this band is *cool*, let's throw one of their songs in for about four seconds. Cool. That way the kids will buy the stupid soundtrack. No you idiots, they either already have those songs or will simply download them. I really wonder if anybody was or will be idiotic enough to buy the soundtrack to this movie.
The movie was OK, kind of average, or maybe somewhere below average. (The final *melting* scene was really quite spectacular though.) I would have said it was pretty lame for a modern horror movie but I saw Chucky Gets Lucky or whatever it was called, and this one was nowhere near as bad.
Next week, if everything goes aright, I will see Land of the Dead. Hurrah! for zombie movies!

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